Mastery

In the summer between grade 6 and 7 I stopped swearing. I didn't swear again for six years. I'd only hit puberty the year before and the testosterone had caused my underlying anger issues to manifest as foul language. I was beginning down a bad road. That summer I went to church camp and had another religious experience. The same headspace as the little extra gave me with that cannabis. In contemplating the experience I had to admit to myself that my behaviour was sub optimal and that the swearing was in control of me. So I took control of it.

Cold turkey. I think one or two slip ups then nothing for six years. I'd never exercised my will like that before. I surprised myself, impressed myself. I just demonstrated how good a Christian I was by stopping the swearing. And believing really hard. I was on the right path again, and damned near a saint with that lack of swearing.

The anger was causing me to swear, so I repressed that. That caused the anger to bubble up at unforeseen and inappropriate times over the next couple of years. Meanwhile the narcissism had begun shaping my developing mind. People had become more like objects and I treated them as such. It made me feel better about my anger and myself. But I believed in the right things really hard so that made everything alright.

And the swearing! That was really going above and beyond! I demonstrated my worth to God himself! A righteous example for all to see!

A true master at 12!

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